We Lived Her Dying Like We Lived Her Living
Lots of crazy things happened while I was caring for my Mom – some of them really, really good, and some of them not so good at all. Words were said that can never be taken back. But through it all, my sisters and I are agreed that “we lived her dying just as we had lived her living.”
Our caregiving situation had it all: love, affection and laughter right alongside of disappointment, anger and resentment. There was brutal honesty, and there was lots of “looking the other way” to keep the peace. There was not a complete absence of drama, and no one was holding back very much. Just like in our “real lives” together before caregiving began, only more intense.
It would be natural for the caregiving situation to intensify things, even on a good day. My patience was never so tested, and it took all the self-control I could muster – and a fair amount of tongue biting – to keep myself in check.
When I think back on it, I’m embarrassed by the times I was SO irritated with my Mom that I snapped at her. She was very bossy (as am I), and literally would be giving me orders from her deathbed as to “how to measure the coffee” before I put it into the coffeemaker (use the scoop she had assigned for this, scoop the ground coffee out of the bag, and then even off the amount in the scoop by scraping any excess off with a knife, so that it was level with the top of the scoop). Really?!?!? And I got the same micro-management for loading the washer (don’t overload it!) and for “how much detergent” to put in there (“only a cup!”). Again, really?!?!? I was 54 at the time, and couldn’t wait to get back to my own house and do things exactly the way I wished. To this day, I do NOT measure things like coffee or laundry detergent, but rather go for a free form use. It’s my prerogative!
And you know what? It was my Mom’s right to have things the way she wanted them, too, whether she was dying or not. And I did my darndest to make sure that she had things her way. I also worked hard to make sure that I didn’t simply give up and sacrifice my own needs along the way.
One day near the end of her life, my Mom didn’t want me to go on a 30-minute walk around her condo complex, because she was (I guess) afraid that something might happen while I was not in attendance. But the Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) was there that morning (as she was every Mon-Fri from 8 am to Noon), and it would’ve been my only chance for a moment to myself, some nature, and God forbid, some exercise. We had words, and I went on my walk anyway. And everything turned out fine – nothing bad happened, and I felt like I had done something positive for myself, which was a comfort in and of itself.
This dance of having things the way you want them – and negotiating with others so that everyone can have things at least a little bit the way they want and need them to be – starts early in life, and continues to the very end. And surely, the intensity is heightened with the caregiving situation, which can force us to revisit old patterns and relationship dynamics that we may feel we have moved on from in our adult lives.
In our case, we all did our best to show up as our authentic selves, while allowing everyone else that space as well. I’m not saying it was perfect, but I’m sure that my Mom felt great comfort by being able to be herself, without fear of repercussion. And we showed our love, acceptance and respect by allowing that, while taking care of our own needs, too.