Memories of My Mom Comfort Me Today

I sure wish I had kept a journal while my Mom was dying. Lots of caregivers do, and I highly recommend it. That’s because while many of my memories – in general and specifically related to caregiving – are etched in stone, so to speak, still others have faded. In some cases, I have no recollection at all of a certain event or comment – like when one of my sisters says “do you remember this-and-such” – and I draw a complete blank. Fortunately, I am reminded of my Mom pretty much every day, even though it’s been 8.5 years since she passed away. And I’m extremely grateful for that.

There are the sayings that pop into my brain or out of my mouth – exactly what she would’ve said in that situation. They come out of the blue – as in, I might not have used that expression or thought that thought for months or even years. Yet they are part of my very fiber, and range from the downright silly to important foundational values. A few choice ones:

• “Earrings really DO make all the difference.” This one comes frequently, as you might expect. Sometimes I’m even wearing a favorite pair of hers; regardless, I always stand back after choosing a pair, take a look in the mirror, and proclaim to myself: “Mom was right!”
• “You haven’t seen ANYthing yet!!!” This was exclaimed by my Mom in response to my own complaints related to aging (when I was 40-something and she was 60-something). At the time, I recall feeling that she was not being sympathetic enough, that she was somehow dis-acknowledging my own life experience … but these days, I find myself giving this very advice to my younger friends. Now that I’m 63, I can see that my Mom was right about this, too!
• “You’ll be glad of it later.” I think of this one most often in relation to getting myself to do things that I might not especially want to do – anything from studying for a test back in high school to completing a project at work. My Mom encouraged me to stick with things and see them through, and in so doing, she helped me build my confidence. Thinking of this saying helps keep me moving forward, knowing that if I remain determined and do not give up, I can accomplish my goals.

There are also my Mom’s clothes that I’ve kept all these years – like her black Helly Hansen parka. I mention the brand name not to show off, but rather to help describe its well-made wonderful-ness. It’s black, lightweight, and with the most perfect pocket configuration ever – both inside and out. It has a handy attached hood, in its own zip-up compartment. And best of all, it’s cut “long” in the back, so that it’s super-flattering even with a few extra pounds. The parka was one of a few of Mom’s possessions that were not addressed in her will, and my sisters and I decided that the only fair and square way of deciding who got undesignated items was to “draw for the highest card.” I was the lucky one who won the parka, which I’ve enjoyed using ever since. It’s starting to look a little worse for the wear, to tell you the truth, and the layer of lining is peeling right out of it. But I will never throw it out. I love it, and I love wearing it and thinking of my Mom.

The other two clothing items that make me think of my Mom are also “warmth-related,” and that seems nicely symbolic to me. It’s like my Mom is still taking care of me, all these years later! One is a group of five excellent quality 100% cotton long-sleeved turtlenecks, three black and two white. I use these constantly, for travel, work and play, and they always make me think of my Mom and all that she did for me. The other clothing item is the ski jacket she helped me choose at the little ski shop near her house in Greenville, S.C. – what are the chances of there being a ski shop there?!?! But there was, and we went there to find a ski jacket for me on one of our outings while Mom was still mobile. The ski jacket she found was fantastic – super warm pockets in all the right places, a zip-off hood and sleeves that snap on over the gloves. And it was on sale! I’ve never been cold in that jacket for 8 ski seasons now, and I feel supremely protected in it because my Mom helped me source it.

Another rich source of memories of my Mom are old friends. Just 2 weeks ago, I attended my 45th high school reunion in lovely South Carolina, where I have not lived for about 40 years (with the exception of the time I spent there caregiving for my Mom, back in 2007-2008). Many of my classmates are now caregivers, or they have recently been involved in caring for their own parents and/ or spouses. It was touching to reconnect after all this time, and more than a few classmates remembered my Mom from those days long ago. Quite by chance (or was it!?!?!), I sat next to a lovely couple that had worked with my Mom in their first jobs right out of college; one had carpooled on intra-state business trips with her and knew her well. It was all very nostalgic and I can hardly write about it without crying.

I recently come across two more memory treasure troves while spring cleaning, but I’ve decided to save them for later this summer: one is a half-trunk-sized box stuffed full of all the birthday cards and other thoughtful, caring notes and cards my Mom had written me over the course of many years … some from as far back as the 5th grade! There are also a number of handmade cards I had made for her in her dying days.

The other treasure trove is a collection of correspondences I discovered at an old email address – emails from before my Mom got sick and also during the time I care gave for her. I cannot quite bear to read them yet; I tried, but even the first two triggered such strong emotions, I decided to save them for a rainy day. But I find it a comfort to look forward to reading these cards, letters and emails in the near future!